Just like you changed in the good positive track, at anytime, you may deviate.
When I was younger, in the beginning of having this passion of going for whats right. I had two fears most. The first fear was having the illusion of being good, while I am not. I knew many people who consider themselves good, while they are relatively not good. I knew, I might be a one at anytime. Yet, the more I grew up, the more I knew that this fear will never go, as actually this fear is real. I am not as good as I thought I am. I always realize this sentence when I reach something better. So although I used to hate this fear in the beginning, now I love it. As it is the only proof for my growth.
The second fear, I didn’t fear in the beginning. The fear of losing this. When you are in the beginning of the change. You feel you will never leave this, and why would you leave what you knew is true?. Yet, the more I look into grown-ups lives, I see them less in everything. Less in passion, less in happiness and less in enthusiasm. I always used to wonder, why none of them changed at younger ages. The nearer I became to some of the them, the more I knew about how their younger them was just as passionate as me. So what happened?. They lost it.
Losing it, didn’t mean they disbelieved in what they worked hard for. It is just that, they turned into normal people again. Being awesome needs power. The less I became in any of the levels I am seeking, the more this fear started to knock the doors.
I confess, I find it harder to do a lot of things, that I did before. Especially since 2013, everything sound harder. I find it hard to start my day at Fajr and end it at Isha as before. Although in terms of conditions, doing this as undergraduate was harder. Yet, it was easier to go for. I don’t know if I am having less power, or it is about passion. Alhamdu LAllah, I am not that bad yet. But I am afraid I am letting my fear comes true by myself. I am afraid they were right, when they said..There will be that point, when you will be less passionate about everything, and you will just be normal.
I don’t how, but I feel the little me was way too faster than me today. So I am trying to go for it, but it is really fast, although it is from the past. It is just like trying to catch a bird.
Anyways, This fear was suddenly combined by the 22-years girl fear..of falling for a normal guy in the end. A fear, that is hard to not annoy any girl at such a age, who is your mate in the end?. As much as I don’t want to be normal, I don’t want to go for whats normal as well, as in the end, this will make me normal by myself, I guess. Yet, looking around, seeing everyone in the same flow…
My thoughts, the mix of the 2 fears, started to give me this feelings of depression. Then suddenly, my brain started to give me names..Do you know Hamza Yusuf? He says TV is wrong too, lol. Do you know Nouman Ali khan, yeah he is full of passion ma shaa Allah ^_^, Do you know your mum?, DO you know your other friend Rania, O and Nadia..and It started to mention all the relatively good people I know. Suddenly, This gave my heart a rest.
So they are there? :’)
This post is dedicated to the good people around, to remind them, that if the only thing they did was to warm our hearts and help our fears to go..It was going to be enough for me. Your existence is more inspiring than you think.
As Satan’s first key, is to convince us that no one is going into this right way anyways. So seeing you, is sometimes enough to give him the best “shut up” expression.
I know you are struggling too, so may be this post will help you to know you help me in my weak points. Thank you.
I thanked Allah for your existence as well.