Because “A picture is worth a thousand words“. That’s how it feels like this month. “We need to talk”. I am not sure if it is about the lost chances or the upcoming chances. Is it about our dreams or regrets?. Is it about planning or about settling time?.
I don’t know how to start that “talk”. You are not a stranger, yet It feels like you are sometimes. I love how we can always talk. I love how you listen, yet how you argue as well. I love how I am never that old with you. Yet, I am never that young. Age is relative and may be just an illusion when I am with you.
I love how you make every dream seems possible. I love that happiness-rush you give, when I answer your questions. And I laugh, on how you believe me and my perspective, when it’s all just a mind-play and nothing of what I said is fact or even true.
I love how your mood swings sometimes. I love how you let me be the happiest person in the world after giving up every hope I ever had. You are my hell, and you are my heaven. I hate it when everything crash-and-burn. Yet, It is funny how by just some few whispers you go for, everything sounds possible again.
I love how you feel proud of me, and I love how you remind of Qaroun, when I feel proud. I love how you criticize me by a way no one else can do. I love how you face me with my problems. Yet, I feel sorry when you face me by literally the same problems each time.
It has been 23-years since I ever met you. Sometimes I wonder if you look as I see you in the mirror. You tell me sometimes, that actually you look more beautiful. I wonder if you are my heaven-version sometimes. You are that person who do what I dream of, reached where I wanted to go, and just lived the life I was planning for. Even though, you are that awesome, after showing me your life, you just come back to sit beside to remind me that I can do it too.
I feel sorry, because far away from how much I loved you. I am still having a to-do/dreams list I had when we talked in our 18-anniversary. Sometimes I wonder, If I really want this to-do list, me. I don’t even know if I want the things I dreamed of since ever.
Do you remember last year, we were preparing for that speech together for MOIC. You told me about that idea to do in the beginning of the speech. Yes, yes that balloon. You asked me to have a balloon and fill it with air. And once the session start to pop the balloon. That day everyone was surprised, including me. You told that metaphor, You will just be a balloon, if your knowledge and spirit was just a talk. You told me that I can’t be filled with air or I would lose everything by just one pop. I am afraid, I am that balloon.
Years has passed, I feel more mature, I can’t deny. I feel more passionate. Yet, I felt distracted. I felt hopeless, I lose my 18’s dreams, one by one. I lose discipline a little by little. I know, It took you a lot to enrich me with discipline, but may be, I was just a balloon.
It’s not like I am not appreciating all the changes we went through together. I know things would have been worse if we didn’t work hard earlier. I know we worked and changed. Just, I feel like I disappointed you. I know we didn’t lose it, yet I know it could have been better if I wasn’t distracted.
I always distract you. You fill me with energy in the beginning, and I just keep distracting you till you decide to stop notifying me. I love how you notify me again and act as if I never let you down, once I come back to you.
I decided that “we need to talk”, as this time I tried to reach you, but I felt you are already distracted this time. I hate how you are distracted by dreams, that you can’t make for your own-self. I hate how you are hopeless by how things might go. I hate how you are connected to what the world bring, more than what you may bring to the world. And, I regret how it’s me who distracted you.
So may be this time, we may have a new to-do list, that just includes all the old do-lists. But this time, It won’t include dreams. It’s not like giving up, dear self. It’s just that I don’t want to get disappointed. I hate how it feels like to be disappointed. I hate how it feels like, to feel that it won’t happen. Only you, know how determinate I am. Only you, stops me from getting things done, when It’s time to tell “you shouldn’t go for this, even if you can”. Only you, know how fragile yet not sensitive I am. So this time, it is time to not have dreams, but rather plans. It’s time to focus on what you can give, not to wait what the world may give.
So when our old dreams distract us, let’s distract ourselves with the new plans. Because, you weren’t created to wait.
You weren’t created to settle as well, And I know, this is your own advice to me always. So, no need to confuse not waiting with settling. Actually, the plan is not to settle for whom you are or I am.
Dear self, you always remind me that I don’t belong to here. So help me, to stop trying to belong. You always remind me that I should talk less, act more. Yet, let us always have our talk.
I wanted to apologize for mentioning the 23-thing. I know you don’t believe in that time is absolute. You know time is relative though, so this number is just reminder of that time has passed. Yet, may be, I just wanted to distract you with numbers.
It’s time to talk the talk and walk the walk. I know, it is funny to tell you this. Did I tell you how much I love how you are always full-motivated no matter how many times I disappointed you?. Sometimes, I am afraid you wonder when I will die, to know when you will stop motivating me. I promise, I won’t disappoint you this time and I know, it is not my first time to promise. Yet, I promise.