It was told that when Adam -peace be upon him- was created, he felt lonely. So Allah created Hawaa’ for him. This is somehow how the story started.
As Human being, no matter how you got everything in life, you still need a mate to share your life with. It is part of inner nature. Since Adam, finding a mate was easy and applicable. Yet, through our modern times we are getting such a little basic thing like this very hard.
In that moment, you find that guy or girl for you. You just feel this is that person I want, I will live forever with, and you just go for a lot of high expectations. Let’s assume you asked her for marriage, she said yes!. You got married. You were feeling above the skies, and that you would live happily ever after.
And whenever people mentioned ‘why relationships fail’, you just felt this is not mine. I do really love her and same to her. Yet, then those whose relationships failed, their starting scenario wasn’t like you?.
Personally, all the failed relationships I know, were in deep love in the beginning and some of them are still in love, but looks like love is not enough.
So what happens really?
Let me tell you a personal story first.
One of my favorite colors is green, it is just so smoothing and relaxing. I love it when a place is filled with plants and flowers too. My family, didn’t really take care of any plants at home for long time. So I was just feeling, may be it is time to be that person who start this at home. I want my balcony to just be full of plants!.
I started to imagine how my balcony will be awesome with those beautiful greenish plants. How they will look like when they have flowers. How oxygen they will provide and balance temperature too, may be?. How I will water it always and take care of it. It just looked so inviting to just go and search for the right plant.
So I started to ask people who take care of plants about this. How to do it? From where to get it?..etc. And I just bought my little plant. It was full of life on its day 0. It looked very happy, fresh and healthy. I started to water daily, yet..it started to die. It was clear it looks sad, until I forgot to water it for 3/4 days and it was completely dead.
I sat on my knees in front of the dead plant and started to think, what happened?. I thought It would grow up and make me more happy. yet, instead I just killed a little plant. It hurt a lot. I just couldn’t believe I lost it by myself.
So I called my friend who got the same type of plant and started to tell her how I took care of it and asked her to tell me what did I do wrong?. I know that not watering it for 3 days is wrong for sure. Yet, it was already dying before that too. My friend started to explain that this kind of plant need a specific type of care other than one I was trying to give. You need to water it only in the early morning after sunrise or very late before sunset by few minutes. So watering it in the middle of the day when the sun is just so hot was wrong. Also, you can’t water it too much, it enjoys being thirsty for part of the day. Also for sure the 3/4 days without water was wrong..and she started to explain a lot.
So I got another two plants now. One of them is Basil. In the beginning had flowers, now it doesn’t. But this time it is not my fault. It is just that It doesn’t have flowers through out the whole year, if I got it. So I water it daily, and I learn how to take care of it more and when to cut off some leaves and how to prune. Man, it is very HARD!. Two weeks ago, I was just too busy and I forgot it again for 2 days, It looked very sad and unhealthy. I was like “EMERGENCY, WE NEED TO SAVE IT”. Alhamdu lAllah, It didn’t die. Taking care of those plants just educates me a lot and It is really hard to maintain this kind of relationship with the plant, lol.
So why I am mentioning this story?.
Simply, because I think this is how relationships fail now. We are not raised up on taking care of anything by the right way. We just think about what we will take in the beginning, we get a very high estimation of ourselves and we think we would be capable of any kind of giving. But, when it comes to the real relationship, we find it very hard to give. We don’t know what to give too as well. So, in the end you need to know that you won’t get into a “perfect” relationship. You’ll have to work on one.
And once, you get this concept, you need to struggle to make this thing work.
From my plant story, I started to learn for example how each plant needs its own way of caring. So you can’t just keep loving your partner, your way. Then blame him because he is not appreciating. May be, seriously the way you do it, is not the way he needs. So like, a girl loves her husband to listen a lot. So, instead he loves to give her her space when she is down. While It looks like, this is exactly the opposite thing she needs. So she gets angry and he gets angry. Because she needs him to listen and He feels that nothing is enough for her.
And this is just a one example. So working on a relationship would really take a lot of energy. This is not just about man-woman relationship. It would be with your parents, grandparents, friends and everyone else as well.
A reporter asked the couple, “How did you manage to stay together for 65 years?” The woman replied, “We were born in a time when if something was broken we would fix it, not throw it away…”