I’m out to fight the devil but never fought myself.
Read a thousand books but never read myself.
My souls starving it needs to be fed lord I need your help.
Hell with the devil my biggest enemy’s myself.
It makes me wonder am I doing this for the right reasons.
I mean the money the fame and game all sounds appealing.
Instead of entertaining I prefer to enlighten.
But then again who am I to be in a position.
To represent a whole generation of kids and to make them believe.
When till this day I still struggle to uphold my deen.
I read a 100 God is great in less then a minute.
And though my tongue is fast like twista.
My hearts not in it.
~ Waqas, Outlandish
I posted this as a post on CreativityTalent at October 3, 2010. Although this is about 5 years and a half ago, I still remember how it felt from the very first time. The main difference between whom I was before 2008 and after that year. It started with feeling missed up and screwed because for the first time, I realized it is me who preferred to go astray for some moments. It’s me, who became so weak to the temptations, and how things were going around. Since I was kid, they always told me Satan got the whole blame, and although he seriously carry a lot of the blame, but only when our souls give him a chance. I realized with the first line: “I’m out to fight the devil but never fought myself.”, that’s it is time to understand that even myself is a struggle.
But will I hate myself? I mean, I can’t fight myself, I can’t treat myself as an enemy, at least it would be a different fight that the fight with Satan..at this moment I realized what I missed “Read a thousand books but never read myself.” It’s time to read myself, to get why it is such a struggle, it is time to know whats right for her, whats wrong for her..it is time to get really deep with who I am.
I felt little bad with the 3rd sentence, I don’t consider myself as an enemy, I consider it as my little child, yet it would be true to feel that my biggest struggle is myself, as even when It goes for whats right, you are not sure if it is for Allah or for a little fame or any kind of gain it liked. It is tricky, and it is a huge struggle.
Then came the line, that always influenced me since day one: “Instead of entertaining I prefer to enlighten”. That’s it! Before 2008, everything was for entertainment, everything was to enjoy life, this life. To Enjoy it in the materialistic way, or the way you can prove to others you are enjoying. If you asked me why I am going a specific thing, let’s say watching a movie, I would say “entertainment” ..and I would feel it is a complete reason. A reason that is right and my right. After 2008, I realized the illusion of entertainment, the illusion of thinking that entertainment should be a lifestyle. Entertainment became a secondary need, or had a different definitions. I started to prefer “enlightenment”. That’s why I started to enjoy thinking people won’t enjoy, and I started to hate thing people find as source of entertainment. At this point, I realized..I am not just a person, I am a future generation, especially as I was 16.
At this moment, I asked myself: “But then again who am I to be in a position, to represent a whole generation of kids and to make them believe.”. The whole choice turned into a responsibility. I knew I wasn’t fit or good for it, but I knew it is not a choice anymore, you are part of the generation anyways, and you would represent part of it anyways. What kind of things you want your generation to be known for? Let it be you.
Waqas then mentioned my hardest worshiping ways, I got issues with numbers and memorized Dua..Even though I believe in them but praying all morning is easier for me than counting how many times I said Allahu Akbr and Subhan Allah. Even when I read about ways to get them easier..I can say countless, but I can’t count. I just hate counting when it comes to dua. So now, with this struggle in this little thing, how do much do I need to change, to be able to be fit for all of my wishes. To have my heart in it.
This song was to represent struggles elmoros of Outlandish think about. It is about thoughts that had in the end without a huge organization or solution. As I stopped listening to music, I don’t listen to it anymore. yet, I always remember this sentence: “Instead of entertaining I prefer to enlighten.” as it was the start of the “myself” change anyways.