Two days ago, I was in the kitchen and suddenly a glass bowl fell in the floor by mistake. My family were away from the kitchen, so no one noticed. I, in a very calm way, started to gather the scattered glass on the floor and to clean the floor. I was full of tranquility as if nothing happened. I was little cautious to make sure no scattered glass is left anywhere, so it wouldn’t hurt anyone later on.
Suddenly, my thoughts broke my tranquility by asking some questions…
You are not worried? I mean, as a child such an event used to freak you out!
I started to remember how such an event was bad when I was younger. As a very young kid, your family didn’t trust you 100% even if they want to. So you are 5 years old for example, you are playing around and then “dshhh!”, you broke this cup by mistake!
If they are around, they run to make sure they clean the scattered glass by themselves!..they would get afraid from the idea of that I am might not be aware enough of that such glass might hurt my leg? or may be I can’t clean it anyways?
Sometimes, They might ask me to not play with stuff again…
May be, they were worried that I would hurt myself?, as someone older now, I know it is not about the cup :)!
When they were away, I would worry a lot about telling them that I did this. As you know, you are trying to gain trust. I would wonder how expensive is this as well?
A lot of worries, simply because I don’t know the results of such event…
My parents were very kind actually. Once I went to work with dad and I was playing around at his friends’ office. And I remember that day I was playing with Mug then It fell from my hand and I started crying. That day, my dad and his friend tried to calm me down and tell jokes about how they wanted to get rid of this mug since ever!
I am not sure why I cried that day? Because I knew it will never be back? Because I knew it is not mine or my family’s So I kind of embarrassed my family as a kid? or because I broke the self-trust I had for myself of how I can handle anything and that I am trust-able?
I remembered as well this part of a book about Ali Altantawi about how he used to punish his grandsons and daughter when they broke a vase or played with it, as he wanted to them to learn taking care of stuff and be responsible? ..If I can remember well. So I was like, may be that’s why I used to worry as a kid? As my parents’ reaction was controlled by the values they want to me to get more than the event itself?
Now, If my family were around, I know what they would simply say: “Fadaki”..It’s almost like never mind but in a more kind and nice way. Because simply they know, I know the lessons anyways, I am more valuable that whatever is ruined for them.
Then suddenly I realized that this is not just about being a kid before..It is the same story about every new experience where we don’t know the expectations and values and lessons. You keep being hurt and highly affected as long as you didn’t get the lessons yet.
Like exams, when we were young, exams would be a huge threat. You need to get ready and study and do this and that..or if you were me, you need to run and hide and don’t study. Anyways, It got its panic. It got this worrying and losing tranquility sometimes.
Yet, as I was graduating in 2014, I wasn’t worried at all. Exams were just exams. I just go with very tranquility as who cares? I used to get straight As by the way. But I already know exams are to tell and not test my level and here we go, I will show them my level. Even if my level is bad, who cares? Sometimes I worried for sure when I wanted to change my level fast before the exam.
Same to some hardships? In the beginning you feel this hardship will just break you down! and you will never rise again and and…then? things get better and you actually feel better than before a lot and you upgrade and wonder how this hardship was for your good.
So when you learn the lesson, you just have this tranquility with the new hardship. Yes, it is hard, yes you do all what it takes..but you know it is not the end of the world. You will know this too shall pass.
I mean, with all the tranquility I had, I normally removed the scattered glass from the floor, and actually after a day turned out there was a very little one left and it hurt my leg, lol. But I cleaned it in full tranquility too, as I know it won’t kill me, there is no worry to have little pain. When I was younger I would just freak out.
I had all those thoughts in just 10 seconds I guess, As I continued preparing lemon juice as if nothing happen.
Let’s hope my mum won’t notice the missing bowl 😉